Fixing Things Is Fixing Me

The builders proudly left my flat this afternoon, declaring that they were finished. Which is great, except they broke the blinds in the lounge so they have to get new ones and put them up. So they aren’t finished…

But a lack of blinds in the lounge isn’t going to stop me from moving back into my flat… no blinds in my bedroom also didn’t stop me, I just refrained from putting all my furniture back. Today though, furniture is going back.

It’s a slow process because despite the dust sheets everything is covered in a thick layer of dust. I have to clean everything before putting it back together. And yes, the majority of my stuff does need to be put back together. The trouble with flat pack furniture is that the more you take it apart and rebuild it, the less stable and secure it becomes. There are times when you wonder if you’ve put things back in the wrong place.

That’s kind of how I’ve been feeling for some time now. Like I’ve tried to take myself apart and rebuild myself, in a bid to fix the problems. But then it just felt like I’d put everything back in the wrong order and I wasn’t really me any more. All the things I love seemed not to be my cup of tea any more, all the personality traits that made me me just seemed like so much effort.

But today while I’ve been busy fixing together my bed, my desk, my tv stand, my light fittings I’ve been so close to being happy it feels strange. It’s as though the prospect of finally (after about 2 years of waiting) being able to use the entirety of the flat is lifting me up out of my funk. I’m going to be able to make this flat my home and actually have somewhere that brings me comfort. I’m going to get to decorate the lounge how I want it and my bedroom how I want it

Fixing together all the pieces of furniture that I picked out for my place is soothing for me. Partly because I love putting things together, but mostly because it’s another step towards having a home. I hope this spike in my mood isn’t temporary, I hope it doesn’t come crashing back down when I remember that I still have to share my flat with a selfish arsehole. I hope putting my life together again is just the beginning of putting me back together again. And in the right order this time.

S. Hansen

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