Scary Like The Deep Blue Sea

I’ve been on a couple of holidays that have involved scuba diving, snorkelling, sailing and the like. Exploring the sea life that is frankly not that far from the surface of the water. It’s magical under water, maybe that’s because it’s not ordinary to me but never the less I love a bit of bobbing around staring at fish in their natural habitat.

But the sea kind of scares me. I’m not afraid of anything in particular. There’s no constant fear a shark is about to chomp through my intestines or a current is going drag me under never to be seen again. There’s a slight paranoia about snakes but I get that on land too…

I didn’t particularly take to scuba diving. I don’t think I was too bad at it, but keeping an eye on the instructor meant I kept looking up and smacking my head on the oxygen tank. And it’s much colder under the surface. Also apparently my ears aren’t designed with even slight variations in pressure in mind. Seeing the reefs and the coral was cool but I decide I’d stick to snorkelling where I could get a lovely sun burn on my back and badly attempt to dip down just enough to grab the odd sand dollar.

But even though I love snorkelling, there’s always a bit of cautious wariness when I start getting read to head into the water. The sea is so big and so impressive, it makes me feel small and insignificant. It makes me feel like I’m at the mercy of a whimsical force of nature every time I set flipper in the water. And that’s the thing, I’m scared to do it but it’s good for me to push myself to do it because in the end I now I’ll be happier and full of wonder.

I felt very much that same feeling today. Sadly I wasn’t getting ready to go snorkelling in The Caribbean though. I decided it was time to rearrange that appointment I missed with the doctor. I was walking past the medical centre anyway so I didn’t really have any excuse except the fear. The idea of going in and simply asking for an appointment scared the crap out of me, but I knew it was good for me to push myself because in the end I’d be happier and full of wonder. I need to see this thing through, I need to break down this depression and win the war not just a battle or two.

So I apologised profusely to the receptionist and she was lovely. There’s no appointments with my regular doctor until the end of June but I’m prepared to wait that long for the continuity of having the same doctor. And it’ll mean I won’t have to explain myself all over again to a different doctor.

This does however have me wondering what happens about my anti depressant prescription. I will definitely run out before my appointment, I have about five tablets left… I don’t know if my prescription automatically repeats. I could have asked that nice receptionist but I chickened out. My bravery quota was all used up for the day I think, possibly because this had not been my first stop of the day.

I went to the dastardly intelligence testing HQ otherwise known as Ikea. Picked up my furniture and played a round of tetris to get it all in my tiny car. I was genuinely worried for my little car because this stuff was not light and it was definitely not meant to fit in my car. But I’m cheap and delivery sounded like just another step that would involve a social interaction.

So with my car all packed up I headed back to my flat to try and find space to store furniture that I had excitedly bought in preparation for actually having a nice lounge again. Forgetting that with the builders still there I had no space to store any of said furniture… So I’ve piled it up neatly in the stairwell. And can I just say lugging that stuff from my car all the way to my house in the early afternoon sun was not fun at all. My arm now has a bruise and two scrapes, none of which I remember getting but they weren’t there when I woke up today.

Going to Ikea wasn’t nearly as scary as going to the medical centre though. That place is the sea for me, but maybe I should think of it and my doctor as a little life raft in the sea. Because while my therapy appointment had been oh so disappointing my doctor and her colleagues haven’t let me down yet.

Here’s an interesting video on just one thing about the sea that I find kind of scary. Don’t say I never give you anything.

S. Hansen




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