Hansen Does Arts And Crafts

Fabergé eggs, as might be supposed by their egg shape, were originally designed as Easter gifts. The House of Fabergé was a Russian jewellery firm that gifted roughly 50 jewelled eggs to the Russian Imperial family over the course of 32 years. Only 43 are still confirmed to exist and are spread across the globe, though most can be found in either Russia or America. As you might expect these eggs are worth millions, perhaps because of this they crop up in popular culture as priceless baubles. James Bond even man handled one in Octopussy.

img_2155 Though it was just a pretend one based on the Imperial Coronation egg.

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Inspired by these eggs, a few years ago I managed to track down all the the craft materials a person could possibly need to begin the greatest jewelled egg forgery known to man.

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You’re probably having a spot of trouble telling the two apart so I’ll help you out and tell you mine is on the right… Instead of using my brilliant forgery to commit a very lucrative crime I generously gave it to my mother as an Easter gift. After all The House of Fabergé gave them to Imperial wives and mothers.

This year K. Hansen invited their Irish partner over for Easter. Said Irish partner inconveniently shares an initial with me so from now on will be referred to as Irish. Irish does not believe that we, all above the age of 20, still have Easter egg hunts every year. I’m not really sure why there is any need for disbelief but all the same I’ve got a point to prove now. It’s time to plan the greatest egg hunt ever to exist..

And that is the story that leads us to yesterdays tweet. “It’s time to get crafty!” Now let’s do arts and crafts, Hansen style.

The first thing you have to do is put your life in (insert deity here)’s hands and leave your house. There’s a craft shop in the city centre I like to go to, there’s three floors of craft materials and has always been reliable in the past. This time is was less reliable and I couldn’t get everything I wanted.

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Once you make it back home, hopefully in one piece, you over zealously spray the eggs white. IMAG0736 Then do it a couple more times until its all white.
Next you realise that although you bought a gold pen for the last time you did this you no longer seem to own one. You rush out the house to go and buy another one and the paint should all be dry by then.

Now you paint the eggs the desired colour.

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Keep painting them and letting it dry until it’s an even colour.

 

 

 

 

Okay this next part is sticky and dangerous. You need to play with super glue. A lot of super glue and to do it the proper Hansen way you need to stick a couple of your fingers together, stick yourself to the super glue tube and accidentally stick the halves of the egg together. For further instructions on doing this leave your questions in the comments.

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Once you’ve put all the gems where you need them and some where you didn’t it’s time to get out that gold pen you forgot earlier.

 

 

 

 

 

The pattern you choose is up to you, unless there’s a specific egg you’re aiming to counterfeit. Then you’re a bit more limited but you can probably still do what you want and no one will notice. The important thing to remember with the gold pen is that you must draw on yourself at least five times and slightly cock up your work at least once.

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Now comes the varnishing stage. It’s a very important moment because you could completely ruin everything you’ve done so far. In fact if you’re doing it right you will. Pick up the can of blue enamel paint that you thought was the enamel gloss spray and and put a lovely big circle of blue smack dab in the middle of your egg. Good work. Okay now grab a paper towel and dab the blue paint in a panic. It’s going to be tough to fix that so beat yourself up about that a bit. Paint over in the base colour you wanted and redraw your gold pattern.  It’s a bit smudged but no art critic is going to notice that’s for sure. Now realise you have glued the two halves together and spend 10 minutes gently prying them apart and smudging more of the gold pattern.

Okay I think you’re good to actually varnish them now.

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Whether you aim to make millions on the black markets or give them to someone as a gift they are sure to look brilliant on anyone’s mantle piece. Just you know, try to follow all my steps or they might not come out quite as well as mine did…

S. Hansen

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Hansen Does Arts And Crafts

  1. I’d be more prone to try crafts if they came with sardonic directions.
    “And now that you’ve sewn yourself into the project, weep with despair and question why and how you’re legally responsible for yourself.”
    PS: Great work. Take those eggs down to the pawn shop and see what happens.

    Liked by 1 person

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