Figuring Out My Own Brain

I have had a bit of a revelation about myself today. I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I consider myself to be a gamer (regular player of video games, as opposed to board games). A couple of years ago I would have freely admitted that I have a bit of an addiction to video games. I can literally sit on my butt playing them all day and not feel like I’ve wasted my day (as long as I got game achievements who needs life achievements…) but when depression sucks all the joy out of everything you kind of lose the motivation to do any of the things you love. So over the past 9 to 10 months my video gaming has been sparse at best. I’m pretty sure somewhere along the way there were actual months where I didn’t even turn my computer on…

That isn’t just a warning flag for a member of my family, that’s a neon sign with flashing lights and a siren. If we don’t want to game it’s probably time to take us to the hospital…

And all the while I haven’t been gaming my depression has been getting worse and worse. I’m not saying video gaming is a cure for my depression, it’s just my favourite hobby and much like anti depressants it stops the depression getting worse… sort of. At least that’s what I thought. But today I realised I was wrong.

A few hours into a solid gaming session online with a sibling I was starving hungry, my stomach was whining like I hadn’t fed it since 1934. And I had mentioned in chat that I was hungry. But when K said we should take a break so I could go make myself something to eat, I would honestly rather have continued to starve (probably a slight exaggeration) so I could keep playing. I’m back gaming but it’s not the games I’m addicted to. I realise that now. It’s the socialisation with equals (because I do consider K to be an equal although they are a very self deprecating soul) and the fun of games that for a while helps me forget I’m depressed. As soon as I stop I remember again.

I’m addicted to forgetting I’m depressed. Who knew I could work all that out without a therapist?

On a side note as I typed the word therapist I’ve realised there’s a big problem with that word… I’m sure some other much quicker folk than me have already noticed it. Surely the last person a victim of rape wants to go see for help is someone called therapist… the rapist…

Two realisations one day. I better stop now or I’ll also realise that I use humour to disguise my pain…

S. Hansen

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17 thoughts on “Figuring Out My Own Brain

  1. Ah yes… many years ago the unfortunate naming of “therapist” was highlighted by Tobias Fünke of “Arrested Development”…. but that’s an acquired humour so I’ll leave it there!

    Good insight, Hans… a while back I realised that I was keen on obsessive hobbies as a great way to distract oneself from what I considered spiritual emptiness: cult TV and fishing were two! Also jogging, (’til my knee went ‘ding’) and the art of perfecting the perfect pink gin.

    Wow… obsessive hobbies may themselves be/have been my obsession? t
    Talk about Ouroboros…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. The escapism is definitely real. After reading about your plight Hansen and your revelation all I could think is that we need to have a gaming session. I grew up a gamer as well, although not so much anymore. What console are you on? I have zero but if I do invest, I’ll get the same and we can have some kind of online bash. Hiding from depression together. Either way I hope you are well. And this comment actually posts.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m primarily a PC gamer. Team PC! We have steam, upgradable parts and well it’s also a computer so has other uses… (that ellipses makes it sound dirty, I mean it’s useful for the internet and typing things and spreadsheets if you happen to like doing those… that sort of thing)
      But I do have an old xbox 360, since Assassins Creed moved to Xbox One it’s been sadly demoted to netflix and amazon prime viewing device for the tv…
      What kind of games did/do you play?

      Liked by 3 people

      1. PC gamer, you’re of the master race then. Well I now typically play repeative games without a narrative – so I can dip in and out without thought. I.e. Fifa, Dota 2 and the like. In the past it was RPGs or builders like Age of Empires 2.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. PC Master race for life!
        Played a bit of FIFA in my time, I do always feel like it could do with some kind of narrative element though, I mean why is my footballer never physically disgraced for bad behaviour? Why is there never a tabloid scandal?
        But I get the need to be able to just dip in and out of gaming.
        I’m a massive RPG fan, especially those that give you a lot of choice. And I spent a lot of my childhood playing the age of empires series. Not necessarily any good at it but my age of empires 3 red coats were a force to reckoned with not so long ago :p

        Liked by 3 people

      3. You are right, FIFA are definitely missing a trick. Although, if I were to role play a footballer I would be the model professional anyway, so it is already an RPG for me.

        I was big into final fantasy when I was younger, fall out and the like. I don’t have the computer for gaming anymore, any good rpgs that arent so heavy on the system?

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Ah I’d eventually make a d**khead footballer just to see how much of a difference it makes 😛
        As I’m sitting here in my Bioware merch t-shirt I should probably take this opportunity to promote my favourite game developers…
        It’s been a long time since I’ve even tried to play a decent RPG on slightly less than stellar computer system. But I suppose you could try out the first Mass Effect as it’s quite old now, or the first Dragon Age, it’s also old now. But both are exceptional games that’ll supply you with hours and hours of gameplay. Especially Dragon Age: Origins that game is massive, map wise.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. I do love delving into huge maps and quests. I suppose it is kind of the point, but I do enjoy the immersion. I haven’t really felt that in a while though. I think the last real game that I was emersed in was probably… (literally thinking)…Fallout 3 maybe. I’ve heard the mass effect game is top notch – maybe that will be the one but then again Ive heard many good things about dragon age.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Joonas Kopponen

    Great realizations! 🙂 You know of my gaming past.. I could not keep it under control. However, there was a time when it actually did good! I still did other things too and worked out my issues rather than using escapism the most. I had a great community online and spent time in real life with many of them too. However it changed with the Era of Medication.

    Liked by 1 person

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