An Anxious Mind

The Bus

This bus is late. What if it was early and I missed it? What do I do if I missed the bus? I’m going to be late for work. I definitely missed the bus. Oh crap. The board say’s it’ll be along in three minutes. But it hasn’t changed for a long time. The board is wrong. I’m going to be late. God I feel sick. Oh here it comes. I’m still going to be late. I hope I have enough money. I put more money than the cost of a ticket in my pocket. But what if the price went up since yesterday? Now what was it I’m supposed to say to the bus driver? I’m going to jumble up my words again. Yep I did. Now he thinks I’m stupid. I better just quickly find a seat. I can’t believe I got the words wrong again. I’m kind of a failure. God there’s a lot of people on this bus. Ooh there’s a seat with no one next to it. I hope no one sits next to me. Oh no the man in front is chatty. He keeps talking to strangers I don’t want to talk to him. Please don’t turn around. I’ll just put my headphones in and look out the window. But then I won’t notice someone coming to sit next to me. I need to look like a grumpy person no one wants to sit next to. I don’t want to talk to a stranger when I need to get up for my stop. Maybe I should just stand. No there are too many people standing. This bus doesn’t sound very healthy I think it’s going to explode. I mean all the buses in this city sound like that but this one is definitely going to be the one. Just like that one that caught fire outside my house. My stops coming up. I should press the button. But I don’t want to be too eager and annoy the bus driver. He’s not slowing down. Maybe he didn’t notice I pressed the button. He’s going to drive past my stop and I’m going to be late. I feel so sick. Wow that was an abrupt stop. This bus driver is going to kill someone. Thank God that’s over with, finally some fresh air, some personal space.

Beginning Work

The lights aren’t on. Am I the first here? Maybe we are closed today and I didn’t know. Maybe they forgot to tell me. Maybe I’m too early. Did the clocks go back and I forgot? Well the door isn’t locked people must be in. Wow five faces turning to look at me might as well be five hundred. They definitely think I’m late. My watch says I’m on time. Did the clocks go forward? They’re staring at me. I’ll just walk on by quickly. They think I’m an idiot. She’s turning to talk to me. Please God don’t talk to me. I’ll say something wrong. Please don’t ask me about my weekend. People always expect me to have done something. Is there something wrong with me that I don’t do a lot on the weekend? Oh no, she’s opening her mouth to speak. I feel sick. Here it comes. Crap, now what do I say. Say as little as possible, that way you can’t mess it up.

“Good thanks.”

That was terrible. You didn’t even answer her question. Just keep moving you idiot. Let’s see how much more you can’t ruin today.

Lunch Break

Okay, half way through the day. You only have to do this everyday for another forty years… I’m hungry did I accidentally skip breakfast? Where should I sit? Will people be offended if I don’t sit with them? Sometimes I talk to them but what if they only tolerate me? Maybe they’ll be glad if I don’t sit with them. Or maybe they’ll think I’m rude for sitting on my own rather than with them. No I’m sure they don’t like me and you can’t mess up conversation you don’t have. Are they talking about me? They keep looking my way. They must be talking about me. Why is it I’m the only one who still brings the same pack lunch as you had at school? Am I supposed to eat different food now? What’s wrong with sandwiches and a packet of crisps? Is it the chocolate biscuit? Is that too childish? Maybe it’s the easy peeler satsuma. I look weird sat on my own. I should look at my phone. I’ll read the news so I look like I want to sit on my own for the quiet. Oh that’s an interesting news story. I wish I could talk to someone about that. They’ll just think I’m weird for wanting to though. They want to talk about a television show I haven’t watched. Should I have watched it? Am I weird for not watching it?

Home

At last. No more judging eyes on me. Am I the only one that hates leaving the house? Is there something wrong with me? I know I’m not the only one, the internet told me so. But everyone else seems so good at pretending to be normal. I wish I was normal. Everyone can see that I’m not normal I’m sure. They must talk about me to each other. I’m doing something wrong with my life. Everyone I went to school with has really got their life together. Facebook told me so. Then there’s me… I’m kind of a failure.

 

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