I was doing really well with my ambition to stay positive, I was definitely feeling a lot more upbeat. But I’m struggling again. I’ve suddenly realised how isolated I’ve let myself get while I’ve been wallowing in self pity. I’m suddenly really quite lonely. I’m trying to remember exactly when and how I pushed people away.
I’m going to say something that I don’t want to appear boastful, in many ways although you might think it a good thing it has been a detriment to my life. I have a high IQ, it puts me in the top 5% of the worlds population. When I was tested I was told that this could make it hard for me to connect with other people, after all 95% of the people I met would have a lower intellect than me. But I didn’t think much of it because making friends didn’t seem to be a problem for me at school. I’m not going to suggest I was one of the popular kids but I had friends (multiple) and it wasn’t hard to maintain those friendships… That was until I was no longer at school. When I didn’t see these people on a daily basis, when I wasn’t forced into socialising, when I could choose to stay home instead, I began to realise I had very little in common with any of them.
I never really tried to keep in contact with any of them and the friends just fell away. When I started normal adult life in the 9 to 5 work place I never learned how to really appreciate the people I worked with. I can’t tell if it was the depression or the prediction of that IQ test coming true but as I looked around my work place for someone to talk to all I saw was stupidity. Just as well I write this anonymously or some people would probably get offended. I saw people that could never interest me in conversation. While I wanted to talk about politics, science, the wonders of the universe they wanted to talk about the latest reality TV show and celebrity scandals. And I think that conversation is really what prevented me from making friends because while I sit here and think about it there were people who would meet me in conversation, even when they didn’t understand I could see the willingness to learn and I got great enjoyment out of sharing fascinating little facts. It is these people that I still occasionally keep in contact with through text message.
But I still desperately search for people who can converse on my level. I really don’t want to sound pompous or boastful although I know I may right now. It is perhaps because I have not found anyone that talks passionately about subjects that matter to me while also sharing my dark sense of humour that I never bother putting the effort into any friendships.
So now I find myself living away from my home and my family. With no one but a younger sibling as a room mate who is frankly a terrible companion. Hiding away in their room I have not really seen this sibling for the past five days. That must be the ultimate description of my loneliness, I have not really talked with my room mate for five days. I have not really talked to anyone at all for five days. In this isolation it is difficult to persevere towards my goal of happiness. I guess I better stop complaining and start trying harder to make friends.
Thanks for listening (Reading), it’s been good to talk about my feelings. Maybe I’ll do it more often, maybe that’ll help me beat depression. Surely being a more rounded person (not just a depressed person) can make me a better writer.